Is it possible to say "Screw the sex"?

Here's another late update on the wonderful life of M!

So I left off before my dance recital....
The recital went great! I did well, and our group did okay. Not much else to say about it...sorry.

Not much happened on Sunday, and Monday I went over to Geoff's house. We layed in his room and watched Disturbia, pretty much cuddled and made out the entire time. I fell asleep on him, as usual. I swear, that guy is the most comfortable thing to lay on! I'm not trying to make him sound like he's fat, because he's most definitely not, but I dunno...I can always be relaxed when laying on him.

The rest of the school week went well. On Tuesday, for our class trip, we went to this amusement park. That was awesome, because I love rides. For the very last ride that we were going to go on, we went on this water one that was absolutely freezing cold. It was pretty hilarious since it was only about sixty degrees outside.
OH! And guess what happened when we were in line for this roller coaster called The Renegade?
When we were in line for the Renegade, there was this group of guys around our age behind us.
They were talking really loud and stuff, and two of them wearing black t-shirts kept looking at me. Next thing I know, I feel something hit my butt. I turned around like "Uh!?" and the really good looking one said "Sorry, was that you I kneed?" and I was like "Yup. I felt something hit my ass, so it must have been you." and his friends started giggling, and he was like "Right, sorry, tried to hit this guy here." and punched his friend in the arm. I laughed and just turned around. But when I would glance back, every freaking time, that guy would watch me. And then he timed the lines so that we'd be on the same roller coaster cart! So we were and I was a few seats ahead of him. When we got off, he punched his fists in the air to look silly and was like "WHOO, dude!" and so I just laughed at him and walked away. Oh, and apparently when they walked by us a few hours later, Shelly said he kept staring at me when he walked by.
It's so bothersome though! The one time I'm NOT single, I can get a guy to easily flirt with me.

Well, then on Wednesday, we had our annual Reward Day where you got to do a bunch of different activities during the entire school day. During this one while we were on a walk, I made a deal with Shelly that neither of us would get sexually involved until we get a bit older. We both promised, and now reader, this is where I need your help and opinions!

Today after school, I went over to Geoff's house again. We just hung out for a bit and then decided to play Twenty Questions. The questions got deep, and I learned a few things about him that made me feel really awkward. Like the fact that he's got pretty close to having sex, while this is the very first real relationship I've ever had! And some of the other things he told me...well, it makes it sound as though some point in time, he wants to do those sorts of things with me. I didn't know exactly what to say, so I just said "We'll see...."
But, oh, reader....what am I going to do?
I'm a very strong believer in God, you see, and the better half of me is telling me that things like that are wrong to do before marriage or until I get older. I also get really shy and nervous about being close to someone, and I just don't think I could ever bring myself to doing things like that at this age. But then when he touches me, I feel totally different, like I want to do things of the sort. It's like my total teenage instincts coming out, and each and every horomone fighting with my mind and the right decision. I'm also afraid that if I end up telling him no, that he'll love me less. I mean, I know he respects me enough to not force me in to things, but won't it be so weird to be around him just after denying? I mean what if he ends up breaking up with me over that? What if things change? I just can't stand why sex is the thing that everyone thinks about! What's so damn great about it, anyway?

I asked him today why exactly guys want so much sexual stuff, and he said that the lust is out of their control. It's just something they're born with, and it's just something they need.
In a way I understand, but come on! How unfair is that to a woman? It's very disrespectful! And ugh, reader, I'm just so confused. I know deep down that I won't let things get very far, but how is that going to effect things? Sometimes I wish I were still young, you know? Back when no one knew what sex was, and the idea of dating was just innocent.

I know I love him. I told him that today, and he said he loves me too. But does he really love me enough to know that I want my body respected and that I need to respect myself also?

Please, I need feedback. I need to understand what to do.
That's all for now.
<3 M

Good evening!


My oh my, busy busy busy. I don't remember what day it was that I last wrote in here, so I'll just start from my most exciting or adventurous events.

Uh, I think it was Tuesday...yes. It was on Tuesday that I went to the park again with Geoff. When I was biking down there, I had gotten really dizzy and faint, so I couldn't really stand or walk at first. It was actually rather funny, but I was embarrassed. We just sort of hung out for a while, but then he wanted to go in the woods on the hill, right above the baseball field. So we did, and we lay down together on a fallen tree. Reader, that was probably the most perfect moment I could ever have imagined. You picture it;
You leaning into the lap of the one you care for while you're both sitting on a fallen tree that's still a good five feet off the ground, beneath the trees, just looking up at the blue sky and clouds.
Pretty freaking amazing, it was. That is until I had to get off. We both got down and started to walk on the path when my dizziness came back. I guess my body sort of gave out on me, so while we were walking I collapsed and he caught me. Pretty much then, he pulled me so my head was on his chest, and we were just laying there in the middle of the dirt path. It was hilariously a wonderful moment I'll remember.
Hmm...oh, then when we came out and started walking down the grass hill by the fence, I got down and rolled down it. He ran down after me and then fell on top of me, so we just remained that way for a moment before realizing children and adults at the park were watching us intently. Quite awkward.
And ugh, reader, I am such an awkward person! I always have a way to ruin moments between us, but they aren't intentional! Like this time, before I had to leave, we were kissing, and since he's taller than I am, I started to loose my balance from being on my toes, and so I nearly fell and was like "EE, balance issues!" I mean, how pathetic?! You can pretty much stamp "Kluts" across my forehead.

Well, that was the lightup of my week.

Wednesday, I had a dress rehersal for my dance recital that just so happens to be tomorrow at seven! The rehersal went just lovely, except gah! My friend Nikki, at the end of her routine, has to jump off the stage and pose, and guess what happened during rehersal?! She landed on her foot wrong and twisted her ankle! Now she can't dance in the recital at all and there can be no Peanut Butter and Jelly!

.....

I bet I didn't tell you about that yet, did I? No? Oh. Well, Nikki likes this guy named Garret who is in her dance group. He's an awesome dancer, and at the recital, she was going to tell him how she feels. In their lyrical dance to "She's Like The Wind", she lays on the ground at the end and he leans close over her. I told her she should tell him then when the lights go off, but she said she'd chicken out. So she decided to do it just backstage.
But now since she's not dancing, she's going to have Lexi tell him. But still. Wouldn't it be much more romantic the way I suggested?
Oh, so back to Peanut Butter and Jelly..
Peanut Butter=Garret
Jelly=Nikki.
Our friend came up with it. Sort of random, yes.


So Thursday...oh man!
Geoff hadn't really talked to me much during the day, and didn't say a word during lunch, so in FCS, I pretty much got sick from worrying. I thought he was mad at me, or going to break up with me. I overreact to everything, you see. I feel that I'm too...blah for him. That he deserves better, you know? So whenever something like that happens, I always think for the worst. But it turns out that he was just in a pissy sort of mood, but apparently not at me. He saw me shaking and heard my quivering voice and thought I was really ill, and I was in a way, but I was just worried. Just to hear that everything was okay and to feel him kiss me...well, I felt so damn relieved.

Today, well, not much happened. Everything was just pretty normal.
I think that's all I have to say.
OH! WAIT!
I'm teaching myself the guitar! Mmmhm!
I can already play a few simple things, and I managed to learn
"Hey There Delilah" yesterday.
If you have any guitar advice or tabs I'd be interested in, let me know!

<3 M

Party until you can't stand.

Hello, reader.

It's been a few days again, I know, but it's the end of the school year.
And that means my posts are going to be a bit late and rushed. Once school lets out on June 7th, I think, then I'll be able to post more freely.

So not much happened in the earlier part of the week. All except for last night, which was our end-of-the-year party! I guess I'll start from the beginning, like I should.

The party started at seven and went until eleven o'clock. After school I went over to Rae's house to get ready. We were just hanging out in her room for a bit before she got a text and informed me that Evan and Kellin, two guys from our grade, were going to come over for a bit before the party. So sure enough, they arrived soon since Evan lived only a street or two away from Rae. The first part was quite awkward, because...

Evan: "Hey, Kellin."
Kellin: "Yeah?"
Evan:"I think we should pants M before we leave."
Kellin:"We should."
M:"Uh, no way."

So I made sure that when I was walking around them or up the stairs that I held on to the top of my pants. And I was successful, because neither of them got to doing what they planned. After that, we hung out in Rae's room for a bit and they played some wrestling game on Rae's X-Box. Around six thirty, the guys went back to Evan's while Rae and I got ready. Then Shelly and Anne showed up, so they got ready with us too. Reader, it was quite awkward walking across town to the party. Would you like to know why? Well, the group of us majorly were dressed up in wacky clothing and bright colors/make-up. I was wearing a long green t-shirt dress with black and white horizontal striped leggings, and bright green make-up. Anne said we probably looked all like hookers. And maybe we did?
So for the first part of the party, there was a magician who did some stuff for us in the auditorium. That was actually pretty cool, despite how it sounds. When it was time for food, I met up with Geoff and a few others to eat. Now, reader, usually Geoff doesn't get dressed up at all. But last night, he looked so amazingly gorgeous in that black collared shirt...wow.
Er, uh, anyway..we had food and what not, then they did some of those "This person is most likely to (dot dot dot)" things. They made one for everyone in our class. And would you like to know what mine is? "M is most likely to become a famous photographer." I honestly don't take many pictures, so that was a poor choice. But at least it wasn't anything embarrassing.
Ah, and then the dance started. Every now and then during the dance, I got a headache. And the loud music was too much to take. So towards the end for a few minutes, I took Geoff with me to step outside and take a break. We just stood there and hugged for a bit, and next thing we were kissing. We went back inside after a few minutes, after he attempted to throw me over his shoulder and carry me down the stairs. That was quite terrifying, but I begged him not to. So he put me down then.
I pretty much danced the rest of the time though, and he and I slow danced twice. By that time, the party was over and I had plans to stay over at Nikki's house with Rae, Marie, and Nikki. After kissing Geoff goodbye, we headed over to Nikki's mother's car and blabbed our way back to her her house. There we watched Silent Hill and talked about things, then went to sleep around two-ish. Rae, Nikki and I all crammed onto one bed and then Marie slept on the floor.
When I woke up in the morning, I felt so sick and exhausted. Like I was hungover without drinking. But altogether, the party was worth it. I had a marvelous time. What a way to end this graduating year.

So dear reader, I didn't do much of anything today. I came home from Nikki's and stayed in my PJ's all day. I basically lounged and did my best to recover.
But as for now, I must be on my way.

<3 M

I saw you...

(Written on Sunday, published on Monday)
Happy Mother's Day to your mother, reader! Or possibly to you too?
I'm truly sorry for being a bit late with my post. I have been quite busy this week, and or I've been to lazy to type. Hehe.So I'm guessing I left off around Tuesday or Wednesday, right? Hmmmm...not much else happened in the week up until Friday. So I guess I will start there.
Friday over all was just a fantastic day. First of all, the math test I was nervous about was a piece of cake. I feel really confident on how I did, so I'm very pleased with myself. Uh, and then Friday was the day I went over to Geoff's house for the first time.He rode the bus home with me first of all so I could drop my stuff off at home and ask my mother's permission. She said it was okay so she drove us to his place. It didn't hit me until we were walking up on the lawn to his door that I realized I was as scared as hell. I started to hyperventilate, so he had to calm me down a bit. Once inside, everything was just fine. His parents are just lovely, and I'm so relieved that I wasn't interrogated.We went to his room and decided to watch Sweeney Todd (I still hadn't seen it up until that day). We just sort of cuddled on his bed while watching about the first three quarters of the movie. But then we just started talking and what not, and kissing. Then randomly I started to tickle his sides. And he knows how unbelievably ticklish I am...so he said "All right, two can play that game." and so he pinned me down and started tickling me instead. Eventually we just stopped and layed there, him being partially on top of me. We started kissing and then he was kissing my face and my neck and my chest. We both know very well that it wouldn't go farther than that, so we sat up and just hugged.I had to go shortly after, but we made out one more time before hand. Oh, haha, and I didn't mention something. You see reader, my friends are very perverted and wack. They enjoy touching other people in awkward places. Every friend of mine finds enjoyment in grabbing my butt for some odd reason. And he noticed that. So before I left, he said he just had to do it and so he did. I let him because eh, what's the point, my friends already violate my boundaries. What's one more person grabbing my ass going to do?
Heh, so like I said. Friday was splendid.
Saturday was the day where I was in a fuss. I still didn't know what to buy my mom for Mother's Day, and I was having issues with my year old cell phone. I made a deal with my dad to drive me into the big city about twenty minutes away from my little suburb town so I could buy a new phone and get mom's present. We left at about one thirty in the afternoon.Ha, see, Geoff also wanted me to go to the city with him that day. But since I had things to do, I told him that my dad wanted me to go with him. So here we are, my dad and I on the freeway in his blue car. I was trying to sort out some last minute phone issues, so I wasn't paying attention. The next thing I know..."M?""Yeah, dad?""Do you know that kid?""Uh, what kid?"He points to the silver car that pulled ahead of us."Some guy in that car was looking in here at you.""Oh. I dunno him. I didn't see, anyway." I really didn't see him, though. But then about five minutes later, my phone buzzed. It was a message from Geoff saying..."We just passed you, and I saw you with your dad." I burst out laughing then, and told my dad, and he laughed too. How crazy was that, driving past at the same time?So, well, I got my new phone in the city. We had to go to three different places because the one I wanted wasn't anywhere to be found. And as for my mom's present, I wanted to go into Yonker's to buy some jewelery for her. But my dad was being stubborn and wouldn't go into the store. So I had to settle for buying her the DVD "P.S I Love You". Which really isn't that terrible, because I saw the movie back in January with her and we both loved it.
Now Sunday, or today I should say, hasn't been very interesting. For mother's day, my family and I had some reservations at the Country Club for lunch. The food was amazing, and I ate so much that I probably have to go up a size in pants. Er....not really, because reader, I have a weird system. I never gain anything from what I eat, no matter how much I eat! I'm still a size 1-3, and I've been that size for going on three years now. I also haven't gotten any taller. I'm taking after my mom, and I'm probably going to remain 5'2 the rest of my life. Although being short isn't too bad, because now I have excuses to wear heels all the time when I get older.
I just got back from eating, actually, and I'm going to head over to my grandparent's house for a while this afternoon with my mom while my dad and his friend go golfing.As a matter of fact, I better get going too. We'll be leaving very shortly.
I'll try and write more often, and sooner. Forgive my laziness!
<3 M

Dear reader,I apologize for being a few days late with my post. I've been quite busy, you see. I'll only have twenty minutes to type out this post and I have a lot to say, so wish me luck!

So we left off on Saturday then, correct? Right. I don't think I got a chance to write about Saturday so I will do so now.I didn't do much to begin the day, but then in the afternoon I got a call from Geoff asking if I wanted to do something. Of course I said sure, so we both biked down to the park for about an hour and a half. We just sort of talked for a while first but then we lay down next to each other on the little kid playground thing. He just sort of held me there and I rested my head on his shoulder and nuzzled my face in his neck. I was sort of shielding myself from the wind and cold because it was chilly that day, and cuddling with him did a wonderful job of that. I nearly fell asleep but the sound of a siren woke me up, and he laughed. Next thing I know, we're pretty much making out. I had to go in the middle of that, so after one last kiss, I left.Being with him makes me really happy, and I'm so thankful. My friend Monica begged me to tell her "how far I've gone" and when I told her about finally kissing him in a serious way, she got so excited. Now she's trying to push me towards other things (if you know what I mean), and I'm angry with that. I'm not a skank, and I'm saving myself for marriage! She just doesn't understand that.

Uh, let's see, Sunday...Ah, yes. I hung out with Shelly for the good portion of the day. We took some pretty awesome pictures around town and put them on myspace. I had a fairly decent weekend!

Monday didn't have much excitement. I honestly don't have anything to write about it.

Now today was pretty fun. I walked home with Anne and Geoff and we went to my house (I'm starting to get more comfortable with the fact that he's in my personal home.) to hang out. We were there for a while and then we went on a walk through the woods next to my house. We ran up and down these dirt/sand hills that seriously go quite high up, and then we would run at full speed down. Oh, and I also dared Anne to make a "dirt angel" and she did. It was pretty hilarious.

Other than that, things are okay. I best be going.

<3 M

Accidental Biting...ooops.

Oh, dear reader!

So much has happened within the last two days since I've talked to you. I think I'll start with what happened yesterday. It's always best to start at the beginning of things, right?

Well, if it hadn't been for that stupid message I sent Turkey, none of this would probably have happened. Potato likes Joan. Joan likes Potato. It has been confirmed!! Shelly was so miserable last night, and at times during the day today, she was too. But I think she'll get over him anyway; he's just a shallow skateboarder who only cares about pencil thin girls with blonde hair that wear tons of make-up. I think she's beginning to realize that too. So I'm not quite as worried about her as I was last night. I cried about it last night because I felt so bad for her, and I was worried about what she could possibly have done. But she didn't do anything bad, so I was quite relieved when we talked in school today and she was just fine.

Now today we had an early-dismissal, so we got out at 1:05...two hours early! Anne, Shelly, Geoff and I had plans to hang out after school down at the park. But it was raining outside, so we didn't know what to do. It was We still wanted to go to the park, and we ended up doing so. But it was Shelly and Anne's idea for me to take Geoff back to my house with me! I was like "Uh, no!?!" because I didn't want him meeting my parents yet! But then he seemed real keen on the idea, so I ended up giving in and he rode the bus home with me. Luckily I had called my mom before hand on the bus to tell her he was coming, so she was prepared. But the entire bus ride, I was hyperventilating and shaking because I was so terrified of the idea. He kept trying to calm me down, but it wouldn't work.
So we got to my house, and all the worrying was for nothing! My mother was really cool about it all, and I wasn't embarrassed in any way, shape, or form. Well, except for when HE brought up the fact that I'm clumsy and I keep tripping in school. After a while I finally got him away and we left for the park. Reader, you have no idea how relieved I was after we left. It was the very first time I ever brought a guy home.
So we got to the park and met Anne and Shelly. We got bored so we decided to walk to Super One, and we did so. After being in there for a few and getting bored, we walked all the way across town to Wal-mart and hung out in there for about an hour. Anne and Shelly wanted to be silly and hang out in the toy isles, so we did that too. Geoff and I were just sort of holding each other there, and he put his face close to me so I kissed him. It lasted longer than I expected, and pretty soon, he had put his tongue in my mouth for the first time. I wasn't expecting it, so I freaking bit it! I was like "Oh, shit." and so I pulled away. I told him that was unexpected, and so he was like "Oh, I see."
So after that embarrassment of showing how much I know about kissing, we had entirely walked around Wal-mart before we got bored again. By that time, it was around four o'clock, and he had to go. We all walked with him to the place where he was supposed to meet his mom to get a ride. It had began to rain again and we hugged goodbye, then kissed again. This time, hehe, I got it right. No unexpected biting, I swear.
After he left, it had began to REALLY pour. Anne, Shelly, and I were the only people left so we had began running across the parking lot and headed towards Taco John's for shelter. We had to dart through a small opening filled with mud and what not, and so when we got inside the doorway, we were laughing hysterically. We stood there for a bit then went back outside and had to keep walking. We had to go to the other side of town to back where the park was, so we took the side roads. We ended up stopping at the Chief Theatre (a really cute coffee shop and antique store where we love to go) to warm ourselves. By now, we had been out in the rain for more than two hours, and there wasn't a spot on my clothing that wasn't soaked. We got a cappuccino and split it at the little cafe. We were the only people in there, so we were laughing super loud and singing opera. I think we may have creeped out the poor boy who was working.

Mmhmm, so after that my mom dropped them off at home and I came home here. I took off my drenched clothing and am now lounging in sweatpants that have our school team name on the butt, a purple t-shirt from the play I was in this year, and my fuzzy green bathrobe. I'm no longer cold, so that' s good. But I'll probably get sick.

Oh, also today I was informed that my friend Spencer was in a four-wheeling accident. He's in the hospital right now, but I heard he's doing okay. I'll be sure to mention him in my prayers; will you too?
I've had a busy day, but I'm still not done. The three of us from earlier are going to see "Maid of Honor" tonight at 9:30 for a girl's night.

Wow, this was a longer post. I'll check back in a few days.

<3>